Aftercare
When a scene ends, your body and mind start to relax and you begin to return to your baseline state of mind. This is when an activity called aftercare begins. It’s exactly that; care that takes place after a scene.
Kinky activities can range in levels of intensity, but odds are that you’re going to have a good time.
During kinky play, your sympathetic nervous system will trigger all the good stuff. Endorphins and enkephalins will flood your system, as well as epinephrine from your suprarenal glands. When your body combines all these chemicals, you’re essentially dosing yourself with something quite similar to morphine.
Many kinksters report a different headspace in the peak of play, most often referred to as “subspace”, though there are all kinds of “spaces”.
When a scene ends, your body will start to relax and in the process you’ll begin to return to your baseline state of mind. This is when aftercare comes into play.
What does aftercare look like in kink?
Individual aftercare needs vary from person to person, so it’s incredibly important to discuss it during negotiations.
Some common types of aftercare include:
Verbal affirmations
Open discussion of thoughts or feelings
Physical touch, oftentimes cuddling or hugs
Food, usually treats such as chocolate or ice cream
Drinking water or other beverages with electrolytes
Wrapping up in a blanket or holding a stuffed animal
Checking in with one another in the days following a scene
What happens if I don’t receive aftercare?
When all of those happy chemicals referenced earlier start to fade, the resulting emotions can be incredibly negative. In cases where you feel overwhelmed by feelings of depression, low self-esteem, anxiety, or even physical pain, this is called drop.
Assuming that you need aftercare, not receiving it can have a significant impact on your mental state.
Drop can happen to anyone, and it’s not a feeling exclusive to kink. Drop can happen after a promising first date, a big party, a concert, or any other number of events that bring on a high state of euphoria.
While not all instances of drop can be anticipated, at least within kink we have a mechanism in place for checking in on one another to assist in processing such feelings.
D-types are often overlooked when it comes to drop, so it’s equally important for s-types to be mindful of the needs on the other side of the slash.
Do I have to receive or give aftercare?
Sometimes your partner may not need or want aftercare. This should be respected as long as your own personal aftercare needs aren’t neglected. Oftentimes, those who are on the left side of the slash may not feel comfortable with receiving aftercare. Some D-types might say that the act of giving aftercare is in fact the only aftercare they need. That giving and receiving is another way for partners to strengthen their connection.
How long does aftercare last?
Aftercare can last anywhere from a few minutes to a week or more, depending on the personal requirement, but the level of aftercare tends to coincide with the intensity of the kink activity.
For example, a scene that involves spankings and sex may only require 30 minutes to an hour of aftercare, while a scene with more violence might require a number of days.
You don’t have to be present for all of those days - aftercare can instead take the form of checking in on your partner via phone call, text or in-person, and generally making sure they’re okay.
What if I don’t know what my aftercare needs are?
Figuring out what you need in terms of aftercare is another reason why we emphasize going slow out of the gate.
Take your time exploring and start with scenes that don’t last more than an hour or so. Ask members of your kink community what they do for aftercare, and if any of those things sound like something you’d like, try them out after your next scene.
If our description of drop resonated with you and you’d like someone to talk to about the feelings you’re experiencing, check out our resources page for international hotlines and points of contact.
