Hurt Vs Harm
Two Very Different Experiences
Hurt and harm are very similar terms, and the difference between the two in kink and BDSM is critical to understand.
Whether you’re focused on ethics or morality, being clear about your intentions is key to identifying whether you’re safe, either as a Top, or as a bottom.
What does ‘hurt’ mean?
(v.) to cause injury to; (n.) a physical injury
When you look up the definition of hurt, it’s often a verb, and synonyms describe how that hurt is inflicted: lacerate, scratch, bruise, and so on. Many BDSM activities are designed to hurt. Kinky activities like spanking, whipping, caning, paddling - none of these are designed to feel like you’re being licked by puppies. Well, not usually.
As with much of kink and BDSM, what sets apart the difference between whether you’re hurting someone or harming them lies in your intent. Hurt is more like a byproduct, and the different types of pain are what make activities enjoyable (or unbearable!) for those involved in a scene.
That’s not to say things never go wrong. We know that hurt happens, and sometimes it’s not the objective of the activity. Some people enjoy the hurt, want the hurt, or even need the hurt, but there are occasions when the hurt happens accidentally - someone snapped the whip harder than intended, or the rope cinched in an unexpected way and pinched or burned skin.
Sometimes, you might bump your head on the headboard a little too hard. It happens. Walk around in a dark bedroom, and you’re bound to stub your toe - that’s the definition of hurt. (Ultimate hurt, if you ask us!)
What does ‘harm’ mean?
(n.) a physical injury, deliberately inflicted with malicious intent
This is where the intent becomes critical. You can intend to hurt someone, but to intentionally harm them means that you’ve chosen to do so with malice. Synonyms of harm include abuse, trauma, and damage, and for good reason. Willfully subjecting someone to something beyond their capacity or preference - and consent - is no longer just a kink activity gone awry; it is assault.
Hurt can happen, unintentionally, but harm is always with malicious intent. There may well be dynamics where a dangerous level of pain is the s-type’s wish, and that may result in permanent damage if not done safely, but the key here is was that injury caused with malicious intent?
Are BDSM sadists bad people?
Not at all. Sadism may involve a high level of infliction of pain, but a genuine kinkster will know and respect the difference between hurt and harm. A sadist may well get off on hurting someone, and willfully inflict that pain; but it’s not malicious. It may be cruel, but it must always be consensual in BDSM.
If someone’s ignoring your request that they stop hurting you, they have crossed the line into deliberate infliction with malicious intent.
If you’re ignoring someone’s request that you stop, but you continue to hurt them, you’re crossing the line into harm - you are now assaulting them.
It’s absolutely pivotal to negotiate thoroughly with someone before you venture into play that has the potential to cause injury. Sometimes, you may feel someone pushed you too far and crossed the line, which is why having a kinky support network can be an important part of kink and BDSM communities, but mostly, it’s all about communication between partners.
How do I tell my partner they’re hurting me too much?
One option is to safeword - and we can’t stress enough that you should always have a safeword system in place. If you’ve gone through the negotiation and built up trust with a partner, the basic components of safe play should be covered. But communication doesn’t stop when a scene starts; you can stop at any time.
If they don’t stop, there’s a chance they’ve simply gotten too into the activity, but it’s their duty of care not to reach that point.
Always reach out for support on your experience; in the first instance, to the partner you shared the experience with. They may have taken things too far, but finding out the difference in their intent is the only way you’ll know for sure whether they were just caught up in the moment of hurting you, or whether they were trying to harm you.
If you think you might have been subjected to abuse or assault, please contact a local Victim Support Helpline.
