Safewords

In kink or BDSM, a safeword is an agreed-upon word, phrase, or physical motion that is used to stop a scene immediately. 

It’s important to come up with your safeword system during negotiations of a BDSM scene. A safeword can be anything you want it to be; the important part is ensuring that you and your play partner(s) are clear on what the word, phrase, or motion is. 

What is the most common safeword?

The most commonly used safewords are: red, yellow, and green, which are known as the “traffic light” safewords. These are also the most common for public play spaces, events, and dungeons. 

Calling Red

If one of the individuals in a kink or BDSM scene says “Red”, that means the scene is over and everything must stop immediately. 

For example, if someone is being tied up and calls red, this means that whoever was doing the tying needs to get that person untied as quickly as possible without causing any physical harm. In many cases, this may even require cutting the rope, which is why having your safety equipment within easy reach is essential to any kinky play.

Calling Yellow

Yellow is called when one of the individuals in a scene wants to pause or ease the activity.

This can be for any reason at all, but most often is used to rehydrate or to simply take a breather if something was beginning to feel too uncomfortable. 

Calling Green

If or when the person who called yellow feels comfortable enough to continue, they will typically call green.

This should never be an expectation, however, and your partner should not feel pressured into continuing if they feel they’d rather not.

Does a safeword have to be spoken?

Physical cues can take the place of a verbalized safeword in situations where one of the individuals doing the kinky action is unable to speak. 

Sometimes kink can get pretty intense. It’s easy to forget that many of these activities are quite violent acts, and you should be prepared for all possibilities going into a scene. 

Most commonly, physical cues are used if a partner is being gagged or otherwise prevented from speaking or from “going non-verbal” which can sometimes happen to individuals who go into subspace. 

Examples of physical cues used as safewords can range from waving your hand or shaking your head “no” a certain number of times to having a bell or squeaky ball in your hand to make noise with or drop if you wish to stop. 

Whatever the physical cue is that you decide on, ensure that everyone involved in the scene knows what to do if you make that signal.

When should I use a safeword?

Safewords should only be used when you or the individual(s) you’re playing with wish to either slow down or immediately stop a kink or BDSM activity.

Safewords also aren’t exclusive to a physical discomfort; they can be used if a kink or BDSM scene becomes too psychologically intense for one or both of the players. 

In other words, whilst you can call a safeword because the pain you feel has reached the point of being too much to bear, you can also call a safeword because a scene emotionally triggers you in a negative way. Be mindful of exhaustion, too - the pain might not be too much at the time, but how might you feel a few hours later?

Safewords should be taken seriously, but that doesn’t mean you should be afraid to speak up. While both Tops and bottoms can use the safeword, though more often than not, it’s the person on the right side of the slash who will do so.

Will I disappoint my play partner if I say a safeword?

Kink and BDSM are built on a framework of mutual consent. If you safeword during a scene, that means that you have withdrawn consent and the scene must end. If your play partner(s) continue playing anyway, that is assault. 

Let’s put it this way: you and your partner(s) want to have an enjoyable experience. It’s a huge red flag if the individual(s) you’re playing with react negatively to your decision to call a safeword. In fact, you’ll discover pretty quickly that not saying a safeword when you need to is a quick way to lose kinky play partners. Being afraid to speak up not only endangers you, but it endangers those you are kinky with.

Part of being a safe play partner is recognizing when you have reached your limit, and speaking up about it.

Does having a safeword mean I don’t trust my partner(s)?

Anyone who tells you that they don’t use a safeword (or that you shouldn’t) is not a safe person to play with.

Even in long-term kink and BDSM relationships, a safeword is absolutely necessary.

Whilst there is an element of trust in safewording (as in, you trust your play partner(s) to stop the scene if you safeword), the main reason for this word resides in the first part of it: safety. 

We may grow to feel like we can communicate with our partners without saying anything at all, but the truth is that none of us have the psychic ability to experience what our partner is experiencing in a scene. We may have performed the same scene hundreds of times, but if something goes wrong, the safeword is there.