Whether you’re a Dominant or a submissive, knowing the red flags and green flags for kinky play partners is a key factor in mitigating risk.

It’s easy to forget that power dynamics are relationships, first and foremost. What do we mean by that? Well, relationships are between human beings, and as such, they all have their share of toxic partners: gaslighters, narcissists, abusers, you name it.

Sadly, kinksters can never fully escape the real world— or its toxicity— unless we’re fast asleep in kinky dreamland. For that reason, it’s very important to recognize the “red flags” (as well as the “green” ones) when it comes to kink.

Many red flags in the vanilla world apply just as much to the kink one. But some of those flags are specific to kink and BDSM.

Red Flags in D-types:

They immediately expect you to obey them without question and address them by a title or honorific (e.g., Daddy, Sir, Master, Mistress)
They don’t ask about your soft and hard limits, but instead push you to do things you don’t want to do - even if you tell them no
They try to tell you what a “real” or “true” submissive is or does - even though there is no such thing
They separate you from your friends and family, including kinky friends at events
They tell you they have no limits, and might tell you that you don’t get to have any, either
They dismiss your opinions, thoughts, and feelings, under the guise of their “Dominance”
They dictate how your dynamic or relationship will go, and may not even ask you what you want from the exchange

Red Flags in s-types

They immediately want to call you by an honorific (e.g., Daddy, Sir, Mistress, or Master), even though they haven’t discussed titles with you
They’re not interested in knowing your hard and soft limits as a D-type
They tell you what a “real” or “true” Dominant is or does - even though there is no such thing
They separate you from your friends and loved ones, and will even isolate you from kinky peers at events
They expect you, the Dominant, to take full responsibility for their health and well-being, both physically and emotionally.
They openly tell you that they have no limits, or that you can do anything you want to, and that they’ll never say a safeword

While there are a number of toxic and dangerous people on both sides of the slash in BDSM, there are many good kinksters that enjoy healthy BDSM dynamics.

As always, just remember: consent and safety are at the forefront of all things kinky.

Recognising Supportive Kink & BDSM Partners

Green Flags in BDSM:

They want to get to know you on a deeper level, and have an interest in more than just your kinks and sexual preferences
They won’t do anything without your express consent, and will respect your stated boundaries and limits, as well as sharing their own
They’re interested in hearing about your journey in kink, as well as what turns you on and off, along with your opinions on how you’d like your dynamic to grow
They respect your existing friendships and relationships, even if they may not be directly introduced to the other important people in your life
They emphasise the importance of safety, consent, negotiation, and safewords in kinky dynamics
They take responsibility for their actions, understanding that you are not the cure for their problems

Red Flags in BDSM