Experiences of Self-Shame

Are kinks and fetishes something to be ashamed of?

One of the most interesting findings in the data related to feelings of shame around one’s own kinks is that of one’s kinky identity. 

For every role, simply being kinky in and of itself is something that our respondents report as being an ongoing struggle, or something they've struggled with in the past. 

The prevalence of self shame associated with kink identity is a strong indicator of just how much culture and society can impact how we perceive our own sexuality. Struggles with one’s kinky identity are quite common, but this data suggests that many kinksters - despite having been in the kink community for an average of seven years overall - still feel an internal shame for their kinks. 

Being an active kinkster certainly can help with alleviating feelings of shame, but as long as society at-large continues to view kink as taboo, it’s likely that internal shame will never completely disappear. 

Additional kinks that appear in this data include the other two most-shamed in vanilla settings (physical S&M and power dynamic activities) as well as wet and messy activities. Role play - specifically age play - is also an internal struggle for respondents on the right and outside of the slash.

Again we’re presented with the concept that shame doesn’t stop once we become actively kinky. How we view ourselves develops early in life, and often before we even realize we might be kinky. In those formative years, we can internalize views of what’s right and wrong, and those worldviews can be incredibly difficult to eradicate completely. 

Feelings of Shame on the Right Side of the Slash

When it comes to how the right side of the slash feels about its kinks, caregiver dynamics (regardless of gender), one’s kinky identity as a whole, and age play carry the most shame among our respondents.

Given that caregiver dynamics are consistently ranked in both vanilla and fellow-kinkster shame settings, it’s logical to see them appear again as an internal struggle for these respondents. As our article on caregiver dynamics explains, a Caregiver acts as a loving and protective partner to a little who seeks such a companion. But the truth is that many of us carry internal shame that is perpetuated by a lack of educational resources and acceptance in the wider culture. 

Kinksters who are active in the community carrying shame associated with such a common kink suggests the need for educational resources and acceptance inside the kink culture, as well as out. To that end, if you feel shame associated with power dynamic activities, it may help to know that kink is more common than you may think. 

Why roleplay ranks in our findings on self-shame, but doesn’t appear in even the top three for vanilla or kink settings, may serve as a litmus test for how comfortable kinksters feel expressing their own desires in the kink community. 

For example, age play is commonly assumed to be synonymous with caregiver dynamics, but in actuality the two are distinct and independent of one another. Members of the kink community are encouraged to educate themselves and ask respectful questions when someone else talks about what they’re into. Being mindful of our own internal biases can help each of us feel more comfortable and welcome in the subculture.

Feelings of Shame on the Left Side of the Slash

Physical S&M, kink identity, and watersports are the most commonly reported kinks associated with self-shame for respondents on the left side of the slash.

Within physical S&M, the vast majority of respondents either still grapple with their role as a Sadist or have had struggles with this identity in the past. This shouldn’t be too surprising to those in the kink community who identify as a Sadist or sadomasochist. After all, sadism runs against an integral moral truth in mainstream society: hurting people is ‘bad’. 

Portrayals in stories, media, and healthcare perpetuate the myth that all Sadists are mentally unstable, violent sociopaths. Those social stigmas can be hard to overcome. But recognising the difference between ethics and morality can assist in mitigating any internal shame you may have with this kink. 

It’s also important to remember that the right side of the slash isn’t a passive recipient of these actions. 

Given how Sadists are portrayed as ‘criminal’ in mainstream media, it may be that sadistic kinksters have a subconscious feeling that their partner is a ‘victim’. Remember that in ethical kink, your (sado)masochistic partner wants you to act on your sadism, and they certainly don’t see themselves as lacking any autonomy when it comes to what you choose to do with (or to) them. 

Whilst our “Wet and Messy” category included other kinks such as food play, 100% of kinks on the left side of the slash were related to watersports specifically. Intriguingly, watersports don’t make it into the top three for the left side of the slash for either vanilla or shaming within the kinky culture, yet we find it here. 

Feelings of Shame Outside the Slash

The top three kinks associated with feelings of shame for those outside the slash include power exchange dynamics, role play, and kink identity.

Caregiver dynamics continue to be a theme in our data, as well as the social stigmas of kink identity. 

Role play is a kink that seems unique as a common culprit of self-shame, however. It’s unclear which role our respondents outside of the slash feel shame regarding when it comes to role play, but we did receive significantly more references to pet play, pony play and to role play in general. 

Just as CNC is often mis-classified as rape play (or actual rape) and Caregiver dynamics are stereotypically lumped with paedophilia, role play associated with animals leads many individuals to equate such activities to beastiality. 

In actuality, pet play as a kink activity is rarely about beastiality and one’s motivations for expressing the kink can range from feeling a kinship with a particular animal to simply enjoying the escape from reality. 

Likewise, pony play has developed its own rich subculture around simply celebrating the dynamics between a pony and their owner. 

Hopefully anyone reading this who feels shame associated with their desire for roleplay will be encouraged to find that they aren’t alone.

The Future of Kink Subculture and Shame

How can kink subculture promote a sense of openness to all expressions of kink, regardless of social stigma?

We don’t have a complete answer to this question, but it’s one we encourage you to discuss with like-minded individuals. 

A good place to start would be in seeking to understand how life experiences inform what we view as “right” and “wrong”. Treating ourselves with kindness and compassion when it comes to what we enjoy is another. After all, there’s no such thing as a ‘thought crime’. 

Everyone has a different kink journey, but that doesn’t mean your journey never overlaps with anyone else’s. At such intersections on your path, we encourage you to challenge your presuppositions and educate yourself rather than assuming the worst or shaming the people you encounter. 

Having a full acceptance of our own kinks enables us to work harder at understanding and respecting the kinks of others.