BDSM Is Not Abuse
One of the most common misconceptions about BDSM is that it’s the same as abuse. This is far from the truth. BDSM and abuse are not the same thing.
Kynk 101 states throughout this website that consent is the key to what we do as kinksters.
Anything that’s done without mutual consent is not kink or BDSM; it is assault.
In relationships that become abusive, regardless of how kinky they are, it can be difficult for victims to break free from their abusers. Much like victims in any abusive relationship, many stay due to concern for the safety of their children or other family members, financial hardship, or fear for their own life.
Recognising and understanding the differences between domestic violence and BDSM can not only help end the social stigma against BDSM, but it may also help kinksters to spot the warning signs of abuse.
Domestic violence, also called “intimate partner violence” or “domestic abuse”, is a pattern of behaviour that is used to gain, force, or maintain control and power over an intimate partner. Domestic abuse doesn’t have to be physical or sexual. It can be financial, psychological, or emotional.
Domestic abuse does not discriminate. It can happen to literally anyone, regardless of age, sexual orientation, religion, gender, or level of kinkiness. It affects people of every socioeconomic background, and can occur at any stage of a relationship from dating to being together for decades.
Some examples that apply across all types of abuse include intimidation and threats to gain compliance, invalidating a victim’s accomplishments or feelings, as well as blaming drugs, alcohol, or even the victim themselves for the abuser’s behaviour.
Below, we present more detailed examples of domestic abuse vs specific forms of BDSM. If you happen to recognise some of these abusive examples as part of a current or past relationship, we encourage you to talk to someone about your situation.
Physical Abuse Vs Physical S&M
Physical Abuse
The harming or trying to harm a partner through violent acts such as hitting, kicking, biting, slapping, or hair-pulling. Physical abuse can also include denying medical care or forcing someone to indulge in alcohol or drugs against their will.
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Pushes, slaps, bites, kicks or chokes you without consent
Throws objects, punches walls, or does other property damage when angry
Uses a weapon to threaten or harm you
Harms your children, whether they’re the parent or not
Forces or manipulates you into having sex or performing sexual acts, or ignores your feelings or feedback regarding sexual activities
Prevents you from seeking medical attention
Physical Sadism & Masochism
The giving and receiving of physical pain between consenting adults. It is still violent, but it is done in ways that mitigate risk of harm (vs hurt). This activity should never deny a partner medical care, nor involve forcing someone to take drugs or drink alcohol.
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Any physical act - from slaps to sex - is discussed prior to engagement and is mutually consented to by both partners
Physical S&M does not involve destruction of property
Risk-aware kinksters will only use prop weapons, and will never engage in such activities without express consent
No ethical kinkster would ever harm a child
Physical S&M does not always involve sex, but if it does, care is taken to respect boundaries and limits of both parties
Having a first aid kit, administering first aid, and seeking medical attention are cornerstones of risk mitigation in physical S&M
Emotional Abuse vs Emotional S&M
Emotional Abuse
The undermining of a partner’s feelings of self-worth through extensive criticism, gaslighting, downplaying or belittling a partner’s abilities or accomplishments, damaging a partner’s relationship with their children, friends, or other family members.
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Does not trust you and acts with jealousy or possession
Isolates you from family and/or friends
Degrades or humiliates you without your consent
Punishes you by withholding affection
Threatens to hurt you, the children, your family, or your pets
Demands complete oversight over where you go, who you talk to, and/or who you spend time with
Emotional Sadism & Masochism
The giving and receiving of emotional pain between consenting adults. Ethical emotional S&M involves degradation and humiliation, but only with express consent and understanding of emotional risks involved by both parties.
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Because emotional S&M is considered an edge play activity, mutual trust is a requirement between partners
Ethical emotional S&M will not involve attempts to isolate you from those you love
Degradation and humiliation are types of emotional S&M, but these activities only occur in pre-negotiated, mutually consensual environments
Withholding affection can sometimes be used as a means of punishment in disciplinary power dynamics, but kinksters should recognize the high emotional risk of such activities
Verbal threats can be a component of emotional S&M, but such activities are similar to roleplay in that an ethical Sadist would not commit these acts in reality, and any that are open to being acted upon (for example, spankings) are mutually agreed and consented to during the evolution of the dynamic
Whilst some power dynamics can have components of ‘check-in’, where a submissive informs a Dominant of their whereabouts, healthy dynamics foster independence between partners and a healthy ‘check-in’ shouldn’t feel uncomfortable
Financial Abuse vs Financial Domination (aka FinDom)
Financial Abuse
Also known as Economic Abuse, this is the act of one partner forcing or attempting to make another partner financially dependent on them.
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Takes control of your finances and refuses to share money or allow you to make financial decisions on purchases, savings, etc.
Withholds access to money, even in instances of emergency
Discourages or forbids from attending school or having a job
Financial Domination (FinDom)
Power exchange involving a Dominant partner who takes over a submissive’s finances. This activity is only done with express consent within negotiated limits.
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Control of actual finances or financial decisions is done with mutual consent
An ethical Dominant would never withhold access to money in cases of emergency
As with any healthy power dynamic, partners foster independence for one another and encourage professional and personal growth
Always remember...
Absolutely no one deserves to be abused for any reason. Abuse is not your fault, and you are not alone. If you believe you’re in an abusive situation, help is here. See our list of resources for help in your area.
