Visiting Your First Kink Dungeon
Visiting public kink and BDSM dungeons can be intimidating for any beginner. Whilst you may assume that anything goes, these spaces all have shared rules - both spoken and unspoken.
What is a kink or BDSM dungeon?
BDSM and fetish clubs go back as far as the WWII-era, with the first establishments appearing in the late 1950s in the form of gay leather clubs. Public playspaces are designed specifically for individuals who want to express their kinks and fetishes with others in their respective community.
A dungeon may be housed within a nightclub or licensed venue, and BDSM nights may be particular dates. If you're interested in attending one of these spaces, you could research the venue by attending a non-fetish event beforehand.
Attending Kink & BDSM Dungeons
Sometimes they’re called a sex dungeon, but sex isn’t always a feature. Public playspaces have a responsibility to both their community members and to the legal parameters of their business to ensure that everyone plays by their rules. In some countries, such playspaces may be operating illegally, so it’s always worth checking your local law prior to attendance.
As some venues may also operate as another business, such as a swinger's club or nightclub, they may have regulations about nearby parking, or dress codes during travel. Some venues are close to residential areas and may ask you to wear 'vanilla' attire as you arrive, or ask that you don't park in neighbouring spaces.
The majority of dungeons have one or more dungeon monitors (often abbreviated to DM) They're responsible for making sure everyone is playing safely and adhering to the venue's rules.
Violators of a venue's rules risk being permanently banned from the establishment, depending on the transgression.
Research a kink dungeon or playspace before attending
It’s likely that the business has a website, in which case you may be able to read the rules and regulations there before you visit. Rules will likely include risk mitigation and best practices, entrance or membership fees, and dress codes. If the venue doesn't have a website, be prepared to read and/or discuss their rules in detail, when you arrive. Some venues may ask you to sign up as a member (with or without a fee), and may require you to sign a disclaimer that you've read, understood, and agreed to their rules. You could be denied entry if you're unwilling to accept these rules.
Much like any business you’re giving your money to, consider a kink or BDSM public dungeon’s reputation within your local community:
Can you find verified reviews?
How does management/ownership handle consent violations?
What risk mitigation measures are in place? How are edge play activities addressed?
What regulations do they have in place for specific kinks/fetishes, such as watersports or blood play, sharps activities, or kink-specific areas?
How inclusive is the space in general?
Is alcohol allowed? If so, are there alcohol limits in place?
Consider attending an event for beginners
Many public spaces will host a monthly or quarterly evening that is specifically geared towards kinksters who are curious about the dungeon. These events can include activities such as tours by the owner(s) or a dungeon monitor, discussions of rules and expected behaviour of customers, and even demonstrations of equipment or toys.
If you’re nervous about attending, these events can be a great way to relax your anxieties. You may even be able to meet someone who can go with you during regular hours if you’re still feeling unsure or shy about attending a non-beginner event or evening alone.
Let the DM(s) and/or owner(s) know if it’s your first visit
This is best done ahead of time, but if you aren’t able to advise them before the day of the event, just be sure to introduce yourself when you get there. Some places will offer to give you a tour, or introduce you to others in attendance. This is a good way to demonstrate your sincere interest in the establishment and is part of making a good faith effort to abide by safety rules and other protocols.
How to Behave at a Kink Dungeon
Consent is everything. Remember that you aren’t entitled to (or obliged to) play with anyone
Just because someone is at a public dungeon doesn’t mean they want to play or have sex with everyone there, including you. Some attendees may be there simply to be a voyeur or exhibitionist, others could be socialising with friends and not playing, and many will likely have dynamics in place which you need to respect. Similarly, if someone asks you to play, you don’t have to say yes.
Always ask at an appropriate time before touching anyone or anyone’s toys or other personal belongings. Just like anywhere else, consent is critical.
Don’t be disruptive or interrupt a scene or aftercare in progress
Most establishments will have pretty clear parameters around various play areas. Keep a respectful distance - especially if something like a whip or flogger is involved - and refrain from giving feedback or advice. It’s not only considered rude, but also disrespectful to try and insert yourself into a scene.
Be mindful of aftercare in progress, too. Many people need time to return to themselves after play, so don't try to interrupt. Many venues have a quiet area for aftercare, and attendees expect to be able to use this space with respect for its designated purpose.
Do not kink shame.
Remember that everyone has likely negotiated their scenes and are likely in a different headspace. Judging others for their preferences in kink and BDSM is unfair in any situation, but doing so in a dungeon could result in you getting yourself removed from the venue.
Interruptions or criticisms from onlookers can spoil the experience for everyone involved - put yourself in the scenario of being publicly shamed for something you enjoy.
Clean up after yourself when you’re done using equipment or furniture
Much like at the gym, it’s considered poor form to not wipe down a piece of equipment after you’re done using it. Some dungeons may have one or two specific types of furniture - such as a St. Andrews Cross or bondage rig - and more than one person will likely want to use them. Most places will either have fresh towels and sanitiser on hand, or they’ll ask that you bring your own.
What happens in a kink dungeon, stays in the dungeon
More than likely, a number of people you meet at a public playspace will have what’s called a “scene name”, which is a nickname they go by in the kink and BDSM scene. Respect every individual’s wish for anonymity. If you see someone from a public dungeon in a ‘vanilla’ setting, such as a restaurant or grocery store, do not address them by their scene name or mention the dungeon. Doing otherwise can unintentionally ‘out’ someone for being kinky.
It’s important to remember that playing in public is not for everyone. Many individuals prefer to play in the privacy of their own homes. So if you find yourself feeling out of place, remember that what you see in these places is not the end-all, be-all of kink.
Attend with an open mind, a respect for the rules, and a willingness to learn. You might be surprised at what you discover about yourself.
