Dominance & Submission (D/s)

Dominance & submission (also known as D/s for short) is a form of power exchange between a D-type and an s-type.

The Dominant (or D-type) is the figure who exerts control or authority (the act of Dominance). The submissive (or s-type) is the one who cedes control (the act of submission). The extent of the power or control exchanged is mutually consensual. Someone who enjoys taking part on both sides of the slash is known as a switch.

Although there is crossover, D/s is different to Topping and bottoming (T/b) or Sadism and masochism (S&M) because it’s rooted in power exchange through a dynamic, rather than in a scene.

Dominants & Submissives

Dominants are commonly portrayed in the media as physically or emotionally abusive towards their partners. Popular myths about submissives suggest they’re docile personalities who obey every Dominant they meet. These stereotypes are perpetuated by popular culture. Just because someone identifies as a submissive doesn’t mean that they ‘belong’ to anyone who identifies as a Dominant, nor do they stay chained up in a dungeon waiting to be told what to do. Well, not unless they want to… The truth of the matter is this:

• Submissives have just as much say in every part of a D/s relationship as the Dominant

• Submissives choose how and when to be submissives; they have complete and utter autonomy in deciding who they want to submit to and for how long that submission will last

• Dominants never seize power from a partner who’s unwilling to surrender it. Even in apparent power struggles, everything is agreed upon by those involved

• Both Dominants and submissives talk openly with one another about their wants, needs, limits, and expectations

Identifying a role in D/s

There are common roles, labels, and honorifics found in D/s. You’ll probably encounter some of the following:

• Sir or Ma’am and an identifier for the s-type

• Master or Mistress/slave (also referred to as M/s dynamics)

• Cuckoldress/cuckold (seen in cuckoldry dynamics)

• Daddy or Mommy/little (seen in Caregiver dynamics)

• Master, Mistress, or Owner/pet (seen in pet play and pony play dynamics)

• Predator or Hunter/prey (seen in Primal play dynamics)

The desire to be a Dominant or a submissive exists in every race, ethnicity, gender, sex, and culture. If you’re drawn to the role, you don’t have to fit a strict set of criteria to be either. You can even be both, whether that’s with the same partner or others.

Defining Dominant or submissive ‘energy’ is a complex task. Both roles exhibit a wide range of characteristics and traits. What makes D/s really come to life is the submissive seeing their partner as their Dominant. 

No single set of criteria makes someone a Dominant or submissive, but some behaviours are universally considered dangerous, unethical, or just plain rude. Here’s a helpful breakdown of what’s considered positive or negative in either role - including yours:

Positive Attributes to look for in a D/s partner

• wants to get to know you on a deeper level than just your kinks

• interested in hearing about your kink journey as well as what turns you on and off

• interested in your personal views on D/s dynamics

• emphasises the importance of safety, consent, negotiations, and safewords

• openly shares their limits and asks about yours

• actively seeks your consent and respects your boundaries

• doesn’t push for more than you’ve already negotiated and agreed to together, including physically, mentally, or emotionally

• respects any relationships and friendships you have with others

Negative Attributes to watch out for in a D/s partner

• treats you like a fetish or kink dispenser for their own gratification

• tries to push you to do things you don’t want, don’t like, or haven’t agreed to

• tells you what a ‘real’ or ‘true’ Dominant or submissive should do

• suggests one or both of you shouldn’t have any safewords or limits

• dictates how a dynamic is structured without considering you

• pressures you into a dynamic, even if it affects your other relationships

S-types should also be mindful of Dominants who dismiss your opinions, thoughts, or feelings in favour of their own authority. You always have full agency in a dynamic. D-types should exercise caution with submissives who expect you to take all responsibility whilst they take none for themselves. You aren’t wholly responsible for their wellbeing.

Finding a D/s Dynamic

Dominants communicate their limits and their expectations of a power dynamic with a submissive and they respond with dominance only in situations that have been previously discussed and agreed upon by both parties.

Vetting a play partner is an important first step whenever you’re exploring BDSM and kink relationships. We’ve compiled some questions to ask potential partners as well as tips on safely finding kinky play partners.

As with any other facet of life, kink and BDSM have their fair share of bad apples. It’s easy to frame Dominants as the dangerous or toxic partners because the natural imbalance of a power dynamic leans in their favor. Knowing what to look out for is incredibly important to being a risk-aware kinkster.

Common D/s Dynamics

Unlike most other roles in the kinky realm, D-types are separated into two categories: lifestyle and professional.

Lifestyle Doms are found in power dynamics where the relationship has a deeper emotional connection and is not transaction-based. Professional Doms (aka Pro Doms or Pro Dommes) are exactly that - their role is a means for making a living; they’ll Top someone for a fee. These transactions can involve sex, but are just as likely to involve strictly S&M activities. Whilst money is exchanged for these services, it shouldn’t be confused with financial domination.

FinDom (Financial Domination) - In FinDom, the D-type controls expenditures and makes major financial decisions on behalf of their submissive. FinDom relationships can be sexual, but don’t have to include a sexual component. Financial domination can be part of any power dynamic regardless of gender, with or without a degradation component. Some FinDom dynamics involve ‘exploitation’, such as blackmailing or demanding the s-type pay for bills, clothes, or other expenses. Submissives in these relationships are referred to by terms such as ‘pay pigs’, ‘human ATMs’, or ‘money slaves’.

Whilst D/s tends to have a number of core elements like power exchange, protocols, and rules - regardless of the gender of the partners - one form of D/s has become so popular in female domination that it has its own label:

FemDom (Female Domination) - FemDom is a dynamic in which a female partner is the D-type. It can be used for any situation where a female partner has the most power, but it’s most commonly associated with a female Dominant (i.e. a Fem Dom) and a male s-type. Whilst some consider this to be a novel concept, female-led relationships (FLRs) are actually quite common in the kink realm.

Brats & SAMs - ‘Bratting’ involves teasing or taunting one’s partner to elicit a reaction, sometimes in the form of Power Struggle. Some s-type brats are referred to as Smart-Ass Masochists (SAMs). The primary motivator for SAMs is to have their masochistic needs met. Being a brat is not an exclusive role unless you want it to be. A submissive can be any number or combination of roles simultaneously; Dominants and Sadists can be brats just as much as kittens or submissives can (and often are!).

For the right side, motivations for bratting might include:

• Desiring ‘funishment’ or the light-hearted form of the more serious concept of punishment in BDSM dynamics

• Teasing is a way they can comfortably express affection

• Discovering ways to circumvent rules or protocols without technically breaking them

• Getting the desired reaction from their D-type without expressly requesting it

For the Left side of the slash, reasons for enjoying bratting might include:

• Enjoying an s-type who ‘fights back’; bratting can rile their s-type up enough to resist

• Degradation or humiliation, if the s-type experiences it as such

• Teasing as a way to express their affection

• Exploring power exchange and the ways in which loopholes in rules and protocols are discovered

Service Submissives - Service submission includes non-sexual activities like running errands or being responsible for household tasks. A service sub may begin their day by preparing coffee and breakfast for their D-type. It doesn’t have to be purely about household tasks, though. It can evolve into a personal assistant role; making reservations for work trips, collecting dry cleaning, scheduling appointments, you name it! They may also perform any number of services, such as grooming (shaving, hair care, manicures, footcare), cigar service, or bootblacking.