What Is a Dominant?

A Dominant (or D-type) is someone who holds control within a power exchange dynamic. The extent of their control is defined in negotiations with their submissive partner.

As we mentioned in the submissive companion to this page, we erroneously assumed we could define the components of “Dominant energy” and “submissive energy” through a survey. Just as with the submissive component of that survey, Dominance wasn’t as easy to define as we’d hoped. As it turns out (unsurprisingly), Dominants are as diverse as humankind, and literally anyone can be a Dominant. 

Are Dominants abusive people?

It’s a popular myth that Dominants are physically or emotionally abusive to their partners. 50 Shades of Grey only underscored the pervasiveness of this stereotype (Spoiler: 50 Shades is a story of an abusive relationship, not a D/s relationship). 

While it’s true that some Dominants are also self-professed sadists, there are just as many who are sensual. And while emotional S&M can be a component of a D/s relationship, just as with physical S&M, everything is done with mutual consent.

The truth of the matter is this: 

Dominants don’t take power from a partner who is not willing to cede it - even if it looks like a power struggle, it’s mutually agreed to be so. 

Dominants communicate their limits and their expectations of a power dynamic with a submissive and they respond with dominance only in situations that have been previously discussed and agreed upon by both parties.

How can I be a Dom?

Anyone who feels called to the role can be a Dominant. Every walk of life and every race, ethnicity, gender, sex, and culture has individuals who feel an inescapable and sincere draw to being a Dominant. If you’re wanting to become a Dominant, a good place to start is by reading through the basics in our Kynk 101 Guide.

How do I find a Dominant partner?

Vetting a play partner is an important first step whenever you’re exploring BDSM and kink relationships. We’ve compiled some questions to ask potential partners as well as tips on safely finding kinky play partners.

As with any other facet of life, kink and BDSM have their fair share of bad apples. It’s easy to frame Dominants as the dangerous or toxic partners because the natural imbalance of a power dynamic leans in their favor. Knowing what to look out for is incredibly important to being a risk-aware kinkster.

What are the red flags of a Dominant partner?

It’s important to recognize the types of things that the BDSM world considers to be “red flags”. But we think it’s equally important to know how to identify a “green flag”. Learn about recognising toxicity in BDSM.